The End

A few of you have been asking about me updating this blog, it's over folks! The End, IVF is done! Thanks for following along. :-)

Our wiggler

And at last, our wiggler. This is our baby to be, our new family member. We love you and can't wait to meet you, little one.

The End!

Second Ultrasound

I'll eventually get used to the feeling of balancing my love between my children, but I am new at this and treading in inexperienced territory. I want to write without feeling as though I am somehow undermining my relationship with Jonah and instead I want to write freely and without care as I describe my experience today. So I will.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I saw the most beautiful baby today. I don't think I was expecting to be so bowled over with how beautiful she or he) was (I'll use sex interchangably!). Her legs moved, she now has knees, legs and arms and hands and fingers and oh my god, it was beautiful. Jonah has given me a deeper and better appreciation for what love for a child is, and I am now fortunate enough to have the gift to look at the screen and know what this means. Know what change is coming, what life is going to grace our presence, what challenge and enlightenment it is, so beautiful and scary at the same time. It's fucking amazing, children.

I looked at Mark because I wanted to see his reaction, and I could see the reflection of the ultrasound screen in his eyes and he was just smiling and my heart warmed. There this little being was, fully formed, moving and jumping around and just plain being. This beautiful soul is a part of me, a part of Mark, a part of Jonah and our family. It's all so brilliant and overwhelming. I felt like screaming to the room "Do you see him!!!?? Look at that gorgeous kid! CAN EVERYBODY SEE WHAT WE CREATED??? You docs, you honey, and me - look what we made!" And everyone else seems a casual normal as I sat there, just amazed that this worked, it really, really worked!!! A soul joined us from the other side and here she/he is right in front of me, dancing and wiggling her way into our lives.

Wow.

So, I'm measuring 10 weeks, 3 days, a full week ahead - heart rate was 175, the doc said "ahhh, very brisk very cute baby. This is the fun part for us."

So we're done. Done with the fertility clinic. Done with needles, done with surgeries, done with the infertility hope that is an ache hard to explain.We have a meeting with our homebirth midwife from last birth on the 14th of this month. I can start to move from morning sickness, to planning an entry into this world. Pray to the universe that all goes well and this little one sticks with us to the end.

Thank you to all of my family and friends who have followed me on this journey. You are a very dedicated and loving bunch. You all have lifted me from below when I have mourned, grieved and worried - you have given me strength the entire way. Thank you for sharing this journey with me.

I'll update one last time, and that's with a small movie of our little new wiggling baby. Our brisk baby. Our strong soul that has come home at last.

Whew.

Second baby picture!

(first was the blast picture, heh)

Here is our little one! You can see the head and body!

And look at its little yolk sac! My sweet baby.

First Ultrasound

Well folks, we have a baby!!

The ultrasound went awesome. We were nervous, I was a bit ill. But once the wand went in, BOOM, there the little one was floating in all his or her glory.

She quickly saw the heartbeat, 165, and said everything looked wonderful.

I was stoked, Mark was stoked, I burst into tears, the nurse cheered and we went on our way.

She said to go ahead and contact the midwife, and to come back for one last ultrasound at nine weeks.

Just a reminder, this is what our little Jonah looked like at nine weeks:

Look a whole baby!

So needless to say, we're all elated. I'm still coming down off my shock, and seeing our little bean today made it all the much more real. I will update soon with pictures from today.

Soon, planning baby stuffs!

7 weeks 3 days

Bacon + morning sickness = vomiting all morning



(never again.)

7 weeks, 2 days

I feel like tomorrow can't come soon enough. We didn't have to wait this long for Jonah, but that was our choice this time around. I didn't want the drama of going too early, not seeing a heartbeat and then freaking out only to come back and see a heartbeat days later.

But I feel like I haven't been able to truly SEE the pregnancy yet (besides my constant hacking, lethargic state of of well being of course.)

Here are 7 week ultrasound scans. She/he will still be a little bean but we should definitely be able to see something this time around.

Mark is taking off work so we'll make a day of it. Excited.

I've gained two pounds which for someone who can't gain weight EVER, this is good news. I was down to 100 lbs at Christmas, and am now bordering around 108 which is only 5 pounds less than when I started with Jonah. I'll take it!

It seems like the only way to stave off puking is to be constantly eating. And I mean constant, the second my stomach gets hungry, I get SICK. I went to a zoo playdate yesterday and stuffed myself before going. While walking around for an hour or two, the familiar gag started up again.

If I really focus on it, I'd lose my lunch. If I bite my lip, swallow a couple of times, shake my head and think of something, anything but sickness, I can push it off for another minute or two. Rinse and repeat.

I've been doing the unisom and B6 and I guess it's working because I'm not miserable and still slightly able to function, but damn if I didn't have that I can't imagine how it would be.

But, this is all good news, this is all reassuring, this is all a part of the game, so I'll take it.

And tomorrow we get to see and hear our little one for the first time. I'm excited, nervous, and ready.

7 weeks - Thanks for having morning sickness.

Occasionally Mark leaves me little notes on the counter before he goes to work. Sometimes they are funny drawings, sometimes words of encouragement and love.

The other day, I came down the stairs in the morning time to find a note on the counter that said:

"Thanks for having morning sickness."

At first I chuckled, placing the note on the large magnet board we have in the kitchen. Because I walk through the kitchen many times (6,499?) throughout the day, I see this note often now.

Like seeing the face of someone you love, it brings a sense of closeness to me.

But this morning, as I'm doing everything I can not to throw up, biting my lips, chewing food slowly, hacking, gagging, dry heave, I looked up and saw the note.

"Thanks for having morning sickness."

And perhaps it's the hormonal tears that have struck me as of late, but my heart ached for my husband and I read everything behind those words that were there all along.

I thank him for doing everything to bring our children in the world, for his surgeries, his life plans changing drastically, I thank him for doing all of this.

And here he was, thanking me too.

6 weeks, 5 days

Still here. Still queasy. Blegh. I'm so looking forward to our appointment this Friday where I get to see our little bean. Until then, get out of the way of my nausea!

5w5d

The morning sickness is creeeeeeeeeeeping in, I can feel it. All fine one moment, the next I'm on a boat.

BUT, I'm pregnant, so it's worth it!

Heartbeat ultrasound

The 17th it is. :-( Ah well, I can wait a little longer.

Waiting for the heartbeat Ultrasound

Something occurred to me just a moment ago. There's no way I can wait until June 17th to see or hear our little baby's heartbeat. Nope, nada, nil.

So, I'm gonna try to schedule it for next Friday, the 10th, a full week soooner!

4 weeks, 3 days

Second beta came in with AWESOME numbers. 780!

All that's left is for us to see the baby's heartbeat on June 17th and we're off to the midwives!

4 weeks, 2 days

It's official, I'm an emotional wreck. Go hormones!

4 weeks, 1 day

It's official!!! WE'RE PREGNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNAAAAAAAAAAANT!

First Beta: 309!!!

9dp5dt

Tomorrow's my first beta. I'm hoping for some awesome news. Appointment is at 7:45 am and I hope to hear the results by 2pmish.

Last time my beta was 200 for the first one, 518 for the second one. If I can get a good number on these betas, then it will be Official.

And I will be Officially Less Crazy*.

*Subject to who you are asking

8dp5dt

Holy morning sickness batman. I just got done telling a friend last night that so far so good on the MS front!

Ahem. This morning I awoke with a Quease. It's continued on throughout the morning, and I'm eating light meals, trying to contain it. No full on puking, but The Quease is here.

I'm going to set up an appointment with our ND for this week to see if she can give me diet tips. I may take Vitamin B IM injections if the MS gets bad enough. I've also got my sleep aid trick that worked wonders last time, but we'll save that as a last resort.

Today I feel more pregnant! Whenever I get the "I wonder if I'm still pregnant" feeling, I pee on a stick. The dark, dark line is so comforting and welcome. Today I *knew* it would turn dark and just did a quick glance for validation, dark!

And because I'm feeling Ultra Cocky, I just scheduled my second beta for Friday even though you only really do that once you know you're pregnant. Cocky? Yes mam!

Get this, tomorrow I am 4 weeks pregnant! WHAT.

7dp5dt

Still pregnant, still in shock!

I don't know why this time around I feel so cautious, so hesitant to say "Ok, it worked, we got a baby coming in 250 days!"

Maybe because of the September failure? Maybe because of my beloved dog's death, I'm not sure what it is, but I don't quite yet feel it's "real". I think I will better think it's real after Wednesday when I get the results of my blood test. If my HCG levels are adequate for a first beta, then perhaps I will believe it then? I sure hope I don't rely on labor pains and contractions and then go "Ok, this is real". (I suppose my budding belly would convince me after long) "It's not a tumah!"

(Arnold humor just isn't the same anymore is it?)

I realized as I was taking my 40th or so pregnancy test, I wish I was joking, that IVFers are in a constant state of worry, hope and wait. This is how I remember it:

• Worry for the meds, hope they work and create good eggs, wait for the eggs to mature
• Worry for the eggs, hope there are many and mature, wait for the fertilization report
• Worry for the embryos, hope some make it to day 5, wait for the full five days
• Worry for the one transferred, hope it sticks, wait for the beta results
• Worry for the second beta, hope the number has doubled, wait for the 2nd beta results
• Worry for the heartbeat ultrasound, hope there is a heartbeat, wait for the results of the u/s
• Worry about a miscarriage, hope the baby grows healthy and strong, wait for the second trimester
• Wait for the anatomy scan, hope there is a healthy baby, wait for 20 weeks

After this, then the worry becomes less, and my focus can change to focusing on his or her birth, and building a stellar birth team to support us.

So, I'm right in the midst of:

• Worry for the one transferred, hope it sticks, wait for the beta results

Perhaps, after Wednesday it will feel more 'real'.

Ok, negative/doubty stuff over. In pregnancy news, I AM TIRED. No really, like pregnancy tired. I wake up and feel completely unrested like I could just turn around and jump right back into bed. But have you ever tried doing that with a toddler?

"Get UP Momma. Downstairs, now momma. Up, up, up Momma." Gone are the days of taking a day off "work" because I'm "tired". Funny. Time to pony up, cowboy up, and suck it up. Other symptoms are my sore ass boobs. The left one more than the right one, but damn am I glad that Jonah and I weaned before I got pregnant! Having to pull one of these sore puppies out for someone else to get a meal or some snuggles sounds hugely unappetizing at the moment.

One of my favorite parts of right now is the quiet moments I have to myself. I'm able to wrap my thoughts within my thoughts and start piecing together the change that just happened in our lives. I start imagining my growing belly, a homebirth upstairs staring at the water, a girl, or a boy, names, the whole thing. These are my private thoughts, and like a blanket, they are damn comforting.

5dp5dt - Pregnant!

That's right folks. I'm pregnant. It worked! It worked! It worked!

Can you see me dancing? Can you see me laughing and crying and spinning in circles and did I say smiling yet? It worked. Thank the universe and all its good, it worked, it worked, it worked.

I woke up at 3 am this morning and believe it or not, peed in a cup and tested it. It was blurry, I was blurry, but whatever it said, I felt a bit anxious and crawled in next to Mark in bed. I thought and thought and thought. Hmmm, by now I should see SOMETHING more definitive right?

(Rewind to yesterday, I didn't tell you Bloggy, but I saw a faint line then too, but I wanted to be suresure, since the digital tests were rendering negative.)

Fast forward to this morning, toss turn, anxiety, sleep for two more hours and around 730 a.m. I peed again on about, *cough* five sticks. 3 generics, 2 first response two lines kind. All showed positive. I figured if pregnant, my HCG level is now at least at 25 and if healthy, will continue to rise. But the damn digital, that evil digital with its NOT PREGNANT staring at my face. I will conquer you digital. If I can get an HCG level high enough to render pregnant on these digitals, then I will finally believe it.

So this afternoon around 1, (ok, I admit first I went to the drug store and bought more tests. I am officially a maniac and there should be an intervention.) I came home and peed in a cup, arming myself with 3 different types of weapons, The Generic, The Expensive and The Digital.

The Generic and The Expensive immediately showed positive lines, and well the Digital....blink, blink, blink, blink, blink: and this is what I was saying aloud as crouched on my knees,

PLEASEGODLETTHISBEAPOSITIVEOHMYGODWHATEVERYOUDOPLEASELETTHIS

FUCKINGTHINGSHOWPOSITIVEPLEASEGODANDALLMYDEADRELATIVESMAKE

THISTHINGAPOSITIVEOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODWHENWILLITTELLME

Pregnant

The other digital says "Yes +"

So, there you have it. I burst into tears. I am still in shock. How can you go from being not pregnant to pregnant? How can you go from not harboring life to one day sustaining it? I am overjoyed, thrilled, but still in shock. Another post when my mouth isn't hanging open and I look a little less like this:

4dp5dt - When will you know?

I got a question from a loyal reader last night (ok, not really, it was one of my damngood friends Annie) and she asked "When will you know?"

It's a good question. The official answer, is I will know whether or not this little blastocyst stuck around for the afterparty on Wednesday 5/25. As in next week, I go in at 7:45 am and get my blood drawn which is called my "beta". They are testing to see if they can detect any HCG in my system that is produced by the embryo by this point. My 2008 post at 3dp5dt outlined a little of my obsessiveness around HCG. I'm not obsessing yet, I think I'm feeling cautious.

If indeed, the HCG level is about 100 or more, then they will ask me to come in again in two days. They would expect my HCG levels to have doubled by then, and if so, then they can assume it's a healthy pregnancy and the remaining steps are just to confirm the fetus' heartbeat and then I'm off to the midwife.

That being said, who the hell can really wait until their beta? Eff that. I'm a data person, I'm chock full o' pregnancy tests, and I'm not afraid to use them. Confession: I've peed on a pregnancy test every day since trigger. Annie can attest to my meticulousness in the quality assurance days, I wanted to get a baseline for every day within the trigger, and then every day until the trigger was officially out of my system. I mean, how bad would it suck to get all excited over a pregnancy to find out it was your injection? Heh. No thanks.

So, When will I know? Truth be told, in 2008, I found out I was pregnant with Jonah on 5dp5dt, which is um........tomorrow. Yes, I said it tomorrow. However, this is the VERY EARLIEST it could show up, and it is more likely that if I did get a positive, it would show up around 7dp5dt, Sunday. That is the norm (even up to 10dp5dt!), unless of course you have more than one embryo in there emitting HCG, then it's likely you would test positive sooner, because one's HCG levels would be higher than just one embryo, get it?

So what the hell does ALL OF THIS mean?

It means, randomly and casually throughout the next several days, I'm gonna be peeing in a cup and dunking my sticks. Hoping, looking and praying for a little thin white line next to my control line.

It means, the phrase "When will you know?" continues to play over and over in my head about 23 hours a day. I should know by the end of this weekend. But I'm not officially out of the game, until Wednesday's beta.

So, hold tight my family and friends. We're mere days away from closing this chapter. And it's been a damn long book, ya hear.

As far as symptoms, a little boob soreness, and boy am I bitchy today! I've been having some pretty intense dreams that have been making me a little down, but I'm still hanging in there. I feel a little like a loose cannon, but the ride is almost over.

Trigger Shot is out of my system (10dpT)

I never thought I'd be so happy to get a negative on my pregnancy test. Tada! The HCG shot is officially out of my system. Thus any positive tests from here on out is The Real Deal™.

2dp5dt II

So I spent a full fledged day with Jonah today, trying NOT to obsess over 2ww symptoms however that is hugely difficult. For a moment there, what was going through my head is I didn't want to write down any perceived "symptoms" because a) It could very well be the progesterone and b) I didn't want to feel like a desperate fool if I didn't end up pregnant.

But screw it. I've been vulnerable, I've been honest, why stop now.

So symptoms: throughout the day I had twinges again in my abdomen, I say abdomen but I mean a bit lower. That lasted on and off all afternoon and now I have a "period like" fullness to my belly. It almost feels like the day before you get your period, but not as strong. Maybe two days before your period.

No boob soreness, no weird cervical mucus (you're welcome!) and otherwise pretty normal. I feel like something is happening in there. A churning, a burning, a something.

Emotionally, I feel a bit out of control. I've been tearing up at simple things, like when Jonah's music teacher told me of her past head injury and more things. I'm not sure if it's just me peaking from all of the emotions and process we've been through the past 6 months or what, but I feel on the edge. I think the best way to describe it is unsettled. Not a negative unsettled, but just not normal.

Psychological? Maybe so. But there it is. Me, 7 days after conception. Two days past a 5 day transfer.

2dp5dt

Instead of telling you what "2dp5dt" means, I'll just paste it from 2008!

Two days past a five day transfer. 2dp5dt - this is the type of lingo IVFers use when describing what stage of the 2ww they are in. 2ww - stands for "two week wait" which really isn't two weeks from the transfer, but rather two weeks from the egg retrieval.

I woke up hot and nauseous today, none of which I believe came from the embryo, but instead the progesterone I jam up my vag several times a day. It also makes me lethargic, a lil bitchy, and emotional. Sounds like pregnancy! But it's not, it's just the progesterone.

So here I am, 2 days past a 5 day transfer, 7 days past conception. I've got about one day left before the HCG trigger is out of my system entirely. The line is so faint right now, but I'd say one more day. Drink me some water today!

I'm starting to get nervous/cautious/what if this doesn't work! feelings. I am refusing to think of buying baby clothes and all that jazz until I get a positive test. I WANNA BE PREGNANT I feel like screaming to the world. I only hope it screams back "Well, ok here you go."

No real symptoms. A little twingy here and there but nothing too exciting.

We did get a call yesterday that our remaining embryo lasted another day and into the freezer he went! Nice job little dude! So, if this doesn't work, then we will try that little one next.

So, I do what most IVFers have learned to do so well, I wait.

Pictures and Video from the Transfer - 1dp5dt

Here are some pictures from the 5 day transfer:

As you know, I had acupuncture done both before and after the transfer. There are great studies that show acupuncture improves IVF rates, and we also did it in 2008. Our acupuncturist Michelle was amazing, came to the clinic and set us all up. She gave me warm blankets. She had great, great energy.

Here are a few shots from that:

Ears!

Belly!

Feet!

Forehead!

Here is me in full glory with all needles a pokin'. I was pretty damn relaxed. Check the orange.

Ok, even Mark got in on the action. He was super nervous and the Needle Lady said she'd give him a couple pokes too. It was funny to look at especially when he's trying to take pictures and there's a needle between his eyes.

Ok, now that all the needles are done, it's time to head into the transfer room. Exciting! In less than 10 minutes, our little guygirl will be back in its rightful home, my womb. This was her staring at my bladder to confirm it was nice and full prior to the transfer. Tricked you all, I wasn't in agony! I better managed my water intake and advocated for myself to pee when it was painful. That worked! On to the bladder.

Indeed it was full enough. "Perfect!" is what I think the doc said. So she did a 'test' transfer by placing the catheter into my uterus, which went in fine. So then it was go time:

Here I am watching our little dude come back to us on the big screen:

And then just like that, it was done. 6 months of planning and preparing, 50+ shots, 50 million emotions later, and just like that, heshe is back with us, finally.

Elation! Joy! It's done!

More elation! I was laughing and crying, so happy it was over.

Ok, now I'm just gloating. Here are some classic shots:

I did it, I did it, I did it!

Two, count them TWO babies! (in the family, not in my womb!)

Me looking at Mark, feeling the love.

And of course, here is the shot where I started texting all of the peeps that have been rooting me on in this journey from the start.

AND LAST BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST, the first baby picture of our little blast.

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.

And this is a really, really cool video. They had placed our embryo under the microscope and were trying to find him to be sucked into the catheter tube. It gave us a great sense of just how utterly TINY this little being is. Not even visible to the human eye, not bigger than a tip of a pencil.

And now, they are with me. :-)

Day 5 Blast Transfer

Alas, it's over. Our little lovebug made his or her way back to momma's wombroom around 1:05 today. We got the most perfect blast picture of him/her. I stared at it incessantly. This, this, THIS could be my next child, OMG!!!

The full bladder part wasn't so hard this time around given I was able to 'take the edge off' several times throughout the time there. The two Ativans they gave me to get me through also helped tremendously as I was able to think and be calm rather than freaking the hell out. I did of course make the obligatory 56 trips to the bathroom to poop. Cause that's how I roll.

Our last remaining morula is hopefully to expand into a blast tomorrow and if so, they will freeze him for later use if this one doesn't work.

All in all, I'm thrilled, THRILLED, it's all over. Now its up to this little lovebug.

He/She needs to burrow her way into my uterus and begin emitting the HCG hormone. This will then trigger my pregnancy tests that this is a real pregnancy, not the leftover HCG shot. I've been testing out my trigger, it's almost gone 7dpast trigger, last cycle it was completely gone by day 9.

So, now it's on to feeling every twist, cringe and pinch and wonder if our little bug is in the process of digging into momma. More updates as the days go on....

Alive!

They just called! 2 out of 3 are alive!!! We're on our way to a 5 day transfer!! More when I get home!

5 day Transfer - Waiting for The Call

Here I am, four hours prior to our scheduled appointment.

Again, we're waiting for The Call. This is the final The Call, as this call will let us know if we are 'safe' to come in for transfer, i.e. one of our lovebugs is still alive and ready to come back home.

Now normally, I would be super hopeful and not even blink an eye, but last time we were headed in for a transfer it didn't go so well. In fact, I didn't even get the CHANCE to bring our baby home.

But we will find out any minute now if we are good to go. And if we are, it's orange clothes and let's go! The babysitter gets here at 11, and we leave at 11.

Oh man, I need to start drinking water!

Tomorrow (4 days old embryos)

We don't get a status tomorrow on our 3 little embryos. They are turning from 8 cells into a 10-30 cell morula. Morulas are usually too ugly to be able to assess. There are a lot of cells, on their way to the blastocyst stage.

But they said they would call us early Sunday morning to give us a thumbs up or thumbs down to come into the clinic at 1. I have acupuncture first so we would leave here around 11:15am or so.

Oh my god!

Tomorrow could be the last day it's just Jonah, M and I.

Wow.

3 day old embryos

Blogger has been down for editing so sorry about the lack of updates. You stink Blogger!

We’re still alive!!!!!!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!!

It’s amazing. Our three embryos are still alive and kicking.(ok, not kicking, floating?) One embryo is on his way out, he only divided into 4 cells instead of 8, but the other two are near “perfect” quality. Hallelujah!

So, the plan now is to grow out the remaining two embryos and hope they survive the next two days successfully. On Sunday morning, they will call and tell us which blastocyst is the strongest and most likely to create a pregnancy. They said they already had one in the running but growing them out two more days will see if the second one catches up and exceeds the first, or if the first one will outshine the second afterall. I love you two little embryos!! I love how strong you are, how determined you are, what fighters you are. Against all odds, my little embryos – thank you!!

So, much elation around these parts. Now we wait for another two days for the call on Sunday morning. I will yet again dress in my orange attire and start drinking the Torture Water. What is Torture Water? It’s the 36 ounces of water I have to drink without peeing at ALL. They need a VERY full bladder in order to get certain images on the ultrasound and for them to be able to best determine where to “drop” the embryo in my uterus. I hate this part. We will see how it goes this time around, but frankly I’m so happy right now I don’t care!

More soon.

2 day old embryos

I got The Call today. Good news! All 3 embryos are still alive and kicking.

They said:

· 2 embryos split into 4 cells appropriately, have only 5% cell fragmentation and are rated “Good”

· 1 embryo split into 3 cells, has 20% fragmentation and is rated “Fair”

Man, thank you universe.

So, what now?

We wait to see tomorrow at around 930 or so. The clinic will call us in the morning to give us a “Final Recommendation” on our three embryos from the Embryology Lab. This recommendation will be based on 3 days of growth and an 8 cell expectation for each of them. She asked me if I was “open minded enough to consider transferring two” – I felt like saying lady, that’s not open minded, that’s asking for twins. The final recommendation will give me advice on whether or not to transfer one or two, and whether or not to do it tomorrow (omgright) or two days later on Sunday.

Ultimately, it’s our decision.

If we risk growing the embryos to five days to ensure we can put back a nice strong one, then we need to accept the risk that NO embryos may make it to day 5 and we’d do this whole thing for nothing.

If we want to risk putting one 8 day cell embryo back tomorrow, we risk it NOT being the strongest of the three and not producing a pregnancy, and even worse, potentially producing a pregnancy that will not be successful. (chemical, miscarriage etc)

If we risk putting back two embryos at any point in the game, we increase our pregnancy chances, and indeed increase our twins chances to almost that of our pregnancy chances. And twins is utterly life impacting and not something we’re looking for.

They tentatively scheduled me a 3 day transfer tomorrow at 1130 to transfer an 8 cell embryo, but I’m REALLY rooting for Sunday, a 5 day transfer instead. Again, our call, not theirs. Because of the crappy timing and fast decisions being made in a quick timeframe, the acupuncturist now said she can’t do my transfer if its tomorrow, but can if its Sunday. Ahhhh!

So, this has been a nailbiting week, and tomorrow is no different. M will be staying home in the morning in order to be on the call and help ‘make the call’ tomorrow morning. It’s a big day, tomorrow.

So that’s it for now. I am endlessly THRILLED that our little three babies made it. Fierce, strong and DETERMINED babies!

Waiting for The Call - 2d old Embryos

I hate waiting for stuff like this. I'd rather just have everything laid out on the table for me, bad news and all, warts and all. This is what it is, and now you have to deal.

I could handle that much better. Having to a wait a full 24 hours to see if our little 3 made it overnight is brutal. Are they going to call and say they all made it successfully and we will take them out to day 5? Will they call and say they all passed on and this IVF cycle is now cancelled? Will they call and say two passed on, leaving us hope that the remaining will be strong enough for 3 more days?? Will they call and say, will they call and say, will they call and say.

I'm trying my hardest to keep zen. The zen saying my friend Jenny gave me the other day is playing over and over in my mind, "The more you talk and think about it, the further you wander from the truth. So cease attachment to talking and thinking and there is nothing you will not be able to know....". Thankfully, my stepdaughter is here this morning and we are all going to hang out in the city before The Phone Call. M had to go to work so he won't be with me when I get The Call, but I told him to stay by the phone so I could try to conference him in.

Remember when conference calls were called "3 way calls"? Heh. Just remembered that.

Anyway, more later! Corss your fingers and send that hope to the universe for us.

Ok, I'm feeling better.

Hopeful. Positive. Optimistic once more. It's out of my hands, it's out of my hands.

Fertilization Report - 1 day old embryos

You know, I'm getting kind of tired of getting bad news. Sigh.

So, our fertilization report. The doctor called and said that 9 of the 12 eggs did not fertilize. Only 3 fertilized successfully :-(

That's about as bad as you can get folks without losing the entire batch of eggs.

So, there is some sadness and hope around these parts. We have three fertilized eggs that made it to the two cell stage out of the 12 eggs total. We do not know if these fertilized eggs will survive over night much less to 5 days. M and I chatted and decided just to let any/all surviving embryos grow to day 5 and if any survive then we will transfer it. (one)

If not, then believe it or not folks, we start this whole thing all over again.

So, I'm a bit devastated right now, but I'll be hopeful in a bit I'm sure. The initial blow is quite hard though I will tell you that. She said "Perhaps you were just unlucky this cycle". Yeah, perhaps.

It's not over yet.

Egg Retrieval Complete!

We did it, we did it, we did iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!

TWELVE eggs! TWELVE! That's AWESOME. I couldn't be happier. And not just because I'm taking vicodin, heh. We have increased our chances incredibly of being able to obtain what we want, a 5 day transfer of a blastocyst.

I was nervous upon arriving, and when I get nervous I shake like a chihuahua (Hi Beanie!) They put some warm blankets over me which felt heavenly, and they connected my IV. Everyone from staff to doctor were so nice to us, alleviating any fears we had.

They told M to go wait in the waiting room and they walked me back to the procedure room. The anesthesiologist said he would give me some relaxing meds because I was still shaking so much and so nervous. BOOM, all of a sudden, calmness. It was a nice feeling. It was like "Oh this is what it feels like to not have anxiety". And then that was it. I was woken up back in the recovery room.

Wow, surreal.

They said 12 eggs and my heart fluttered. I've been setting myself up for five and twelve is a lot more than that, and I know all of them won't be mature eggs but it's so much better than starting with 5. This is great news and I will embrace it. Thank you universe!

It's hard to believe but right now, right this very second, M and I have conceived our next child.

A single sperm has been injected into each one my eggs, and the fertilized egg is now engaged in a survival dance. It's so beautiful, knowing the day of conception, the hour of conception. It's amazing. Brilliant.

So, now we wait. Tomorrow before noon, the nurse will call me and tell me how many eggs fertilized successfully and survived over night. This will let me know how many official embryos are growing.

The next day, Day 2, they will call and give me a report on how the cells are dividing. Have they divided into four cells? Or only three? Or two? Are the cells fragmented indicating certain demise? Have one or two or more crumbled and already passed on? This is the day they are supposed to tell me if we are going to have a 3 day transfer or a 5 day transfer.

What is the difference you ask? If we are able to grow our embryos in the petri dish for two more days, 48 long hours, then the cell division that takes place within the embryos give an indication of which is the healthiest, the most normal, the one most likely to survive in the womb.

This is what a 3 day embryo looks like in comparison to what you'll see below.

WARNING, OPEN YOUR MIND FOR A SECOND THIS IS COMPLICATED SHIT:

You see, on a blastocyst (which is just an older embryo), there are two sections to pay attention to, the outside rim, and the dark inner cell mass. The dark inner cell mass is the "baby", the outer wavy rim part is what will end up being the placenta (it's called the trophectoderm)

They are assigned one letter grade each. (examples, AA, AB, BA, BC) The first letter is assessing the "baby cells". The second letter of the grading is the placenta cells.

So, with Jonah, he was a AA blastocyst. Perfectly shaped baby cells, perfectly shaped placenta cells. I also had embryos that were BB, BC and so on.

As another example, a blastocyst with a grading of 'CA' or 'CB' can end up being a chemical pregnancy with no fetal heart beat (because the "baby" part of the embryo was rated a "C", get it?)

We really want an AA blastocyst to transfer back.

This was Jonah at day 5 of growth. This is considered a perfect AA blastocyst. Check out the inner cell mass and the wavy placenta cells on the edge of the embryo.

This is what we hope for again. A beautiful perfect AA blast.

So, that's it! Our part is over. It's up to the Universe and Science to take us to the next step.

I have to tell you....going from waking up one morning "normal" and full from carrying a bunch of eggs to all of a sudden being a momma to several embryos is mindblowing.

Completely mindblowing.

Morning of Egg Retrieval

Well, here we are. Leaving in about an hour to pluck these suckers from my body. 5? 6? How many will we get? It's all so exciting. Tomorrow is the Big Fertilization Report where they let us know how many embryos were conceived.

I'm dressed in all orange because I think this baby has an orange aura (thanks, spiritbabies and M!) . Jonah and I went to Target yesterday and I got an orange shirt, orange and white yoga pants and orange striped socks. My shirt says "Love will find a way". I thought it was appropriate, no?

Speaking of inappropriate things, The Shits have already started this morning. You know the kind, where I'm so nervous that my bowels abandon me and I'm left fighting my gastrointestinal battles myself? Yeah, that. So, that's always fun bright and early in the morning.

Nothing to drink, nothing to eat says the doc, so I think that means I can have my morning coffee. :-) Nothing like fuel for the GastroBattle within.

Alright, we're off. Thanks to all of you wonderful people that have reached out to me to give me your kind words and loving support. I'm glad to have all of you with us on this journey.

Be back soon! (a little lighter, heh.)

If you don't speak German, ah well.

1 mal werden wir noch wach, heissa, dann ist egg retrieval day!

Trigger!

30 minutes until trigger! Ahhhhhhh!!

Edit: All done!!!!!!!!!! No more shots!!!!!!!!!!!

A zenny reminder from a dear friend

"The more you talk and think about it, the further you wander from the truth. So cease attachment to talking and thinking and there is nothing you will not be able to know...."

Day 10 and Trigger Night

Well, looks like we're triggering tonight! Estrogen came back at 1485 is very close to what it was in 2008 (1435). So that means we're looking at at least 5 or 6 eggs. So, not GREAT, not TERRIBLE, but it is what it is.

They said to take my trigger tonight exactly at 8pm and that my egg retrieval would be at 8am Tuesday morning. Nothing to eat or drink after tomorrow at midnight. (ack, no morning coffee??)

I had the nurse mark on my butt a huge circle so M could be sure where to jab that sword tonight. We have to time it precisely, so nothing like obsessing over that for the next 5 hours and 18 minutes. :-)

But this is good, cause I'm done. I'm cooked. I'm tired of this now. I'm wanting to yank the bandaid off. I'm wanting the second positive line already.

BUT! We must wait a few more days for that. Tomorrow I'm supposed to pee on a pregnancy test to confirm that the HCG shot took ahold properly and I've got that all nicely laid out next to the sword IM shot tonight.

This is gonna be an exciting week and weekend.

Day 10 of stims

I went in for my bloodwork and ultrasound once more. I have to say I was a bit disappointed by the number of eggs, mature eggs that is, it was only around 3 with a few following. Yikes.

Ugh. This is the part where doubt creeps in, and I wish I could just separate myself from the data.

What will be will be.

They said they were unsure if they would stim me for another day and push the retrieval out a day or if they would just pull the eggs out that they saw and hope for the best. So now I await the phone call letting me know which way it will go.

There is this force of anticipation, and utter hope. The two conflict, one says be more patient, the other has no limits.

Doubt. Doubt. Doubt. Sneaking in my head and heart. I think with the IVF process it all comes down to this, letting go. It's hard to let go, and jump and just know in your heart there is a greater plan for you. And you may fall, and you may fly - but regardless you are safe in a plan greater than oneself and perhaps faith is the liberating tool. I have faith that no matter what happens, I will survive it, be stronger for it, and learn from it.

And I am brought back to one of my now favorite quotes:

"‎No matter how much the spring wind loves the peach blossoms, they still fall."

More with the call from the nurse...

Day 9 of Stims

I felt ok today. Not my usual normal, or my BCP normal or even my stim normal. Probably better than my stim normal. Still tight and bloated, but I felt ok. I miss yoga and stretching and feeling healthier without so much in my system.

BUT! I'm so close. And when the sonographer was measuring my follicles last time I spotted one and said:

is it you?

In my head of course, but I wonder that. Are you him? Are you her? Will you end up in my arms? Last time seeing follicles and hearing of sperm was all so technical. But now that I have Jonah, and I see what this *stuff* really produces, it's mind blowing. I am STARING at what could end up being my CHILD. She is MEASURING and poking and prodding what could be my daughter or son! Weirdness abounds, but it's appreciated.

I just took my final shots. Well, before the big HCG shot tomorrow night. But it felt good to throw the last one in the sharps container. Ok, that's it I said. One more tomorrow night at trigger and we're done with injections completely!

I do have a boat ton of vaginal suppositories that I will be placing in my vag 3 times daily that will leak out of me like some kind of offputting science experiment but that's for another post!

Tomorrow is day 10 of stims. I'm going in for an ultrasound and more bloodwork. This is how it went in 2008. And a second post when I realized I'd be triggering that night.

2.5 days until we conceive Life.

Half of me and Half of M will come together and grow.

7.5 days until we attempt to rejoin he or she back to its home in my womb.

Will it park it for nine more months? We shall see.

Day 8 of stims and Stim Check #2

Day 8 stim check went well. I now look like I'm two or three months pregnant due to the bloat, so I figured - hey why even have an embryo transferred? I'll just keep bloating up my uterus and start emulating pregnancy this way!

Ok, no.

I'd go into how many follicles they saw and the measurements and what have you, but I've learned from previous IVF cycles not to get caught up in that game. I only got 10 eggs, 8 mature when we conceived Jonah, and it literally only takes one. So, I'm gonna keep my analytical self out of this part this time around to save myself the stress and headache. It is all out of my control now anyway, so there is nothing in my power to change anything.

I'm doing great self-care though, acupuncture and massage today, chiropractic last week. I felt great after the acupuncture today, I felt lighter and "clearer" even though that seems odd. I will have a session done prior to transfer and immediately after transfer.

I have to come in on Sunday again to monitor my Big Ole Eggs, and I'm pretty sure they will have me trigger on Sunday, to harvest the eggs on Tuesday. (OMG SO SOON!) What is trigger you ask? That's the HCG shot that matures my eggs to completion and prepares them for a'pluckin'. This HCG shot is an IM shot and one that M will have to give me in my butt. No way am I brave enough to jab that Pulp Fiction like needle into my own ass. No thanks.

The timing of this shot is crucial, as my eggs need to be taken out within a certain time period after the shot. Hours count. So we will make sure to be Super Prepared for this last oldie but goodie injection.

My box o' meds has dwindled down to nearly nothing. There's vicodin for the egg retrieval (thanks, btw!) and antibiotics and my vaginal progesterone suppositories and that's it! Wild.

Nurse B called with my results from todays stim check:

Estrogen @ 725

My dosage instructions for to stay the same!

We're down to the wire. Last few days left and then it will be out of our hands and into the hands of great science and even greater, Life.

Day 7 of stims.

Yoga Pants. From now until retrieval.

SAYS MEH BELLY.

Day 6 of Stims

Yep, that's right. I've upgraded (or downgraded as it were) to the ponytail-holder-in-the-jeans trick. I can no longer button my jeans without unreasonable discomfort so this pregnancy trick is tiding me over.

I feel big. There is a solid band around my gut that doesn't really move when I move. It is very much like the first three months of pregnancy, again ironic.

I believe the Certotide gave me a massive migraine last night but I won't put it on the side effect list unless it happens again. I *know* these stims are working, I look forward to seeing Friday's output. And I look forward to the acupuncture!

Ok, off to roost.

BRB (Bloat Right Back)

Day 5 of Stims and Stim Check #1

We have some eggs a cookin'!

Today's appointment went well. I had one huge follicle at 12 mm and several bordering on 10 mm and 11mm. She said it's too early to tell, but she can definitely say we're perfectly normal. Me, normal? Why not.

She also said it's likely they will have me back for another ultrasound on Saturday or Sunday. This should be the final ultrasound before egg retrieval! Wow.

Nurse B called and gave me my instructions for the next couple of days:

Estrogen was @ 283 (2008, it was 192)

Continue the Gonal F @ 225 units

Double the Menopur to 150 units

Add Antagonist med Certotide at .25 units

So - so far so good. What's next?

Tonight I start a new medication called Certotide, this helps prevent premature ovulation. We don't want those suckers to pop until we're ready. This will be in combination with my stim meds. Another shot please? Sure, step right up!

Then, when the follicles are looking prime for pickin', I take another shot called HCG. Yes, this is the same HCG that pregnant women have running through their bodies. Why would you take HCG? To mature those last follicles before we pick em.

The funny thing is, after I take the HCG shot, my pregnancy tests come up positive. Ok, not that funny - ironic if you will. But being the Type A data person that I am, I continue to "test out" the HCG so I know I'm starting with a clean slate prior to transfer. (Test out means you just keep peeing on tests throughout the day until the tests can no longer detect HCG in your system.)

But more on that in a couple of days!

Day 4 of stims again

Ugh. I feel achey. Full and achey. There's a party happening in there. Heating pad on my back. ow.

Day 4 of stims

Well, something is definitely happening in there. (there being my ovaries, what did you think???)

I've got mild and uncomfortable cramping along the line of my back, for you ladies out there, it very much feels like when you're about to get your period and your lower back hurts like a $#%#^. Yeah that's what it feels like right now.

My stomach feels tight as well and not in the 6 pack way, in the way that it feels tight to do simple turns, bend and touch my toes, you name it. I definitely see why they don't want yoga during this time period!

Only a week from tomorrow until conception day and these suckers can come out.

I'll definitely be eager to see how tomorrow's Day 5 stim ultrasound goes! Here's what I remember from 2008 on Day 5 of stims.

Day 3 of Stims

Day 3! Not much to report as far as the stims are concerned. Definitely some ovarian twitches here and there, but not the bloat, yet. I have two bloodwork and ultrasound appointments this week to confirm my eggs are blossoming, Tuesday and Friday.

Friday I also scheduled an acupuncture appointment. She said it's also great during stim week because it brings a lot of blood and energy into the uterus. Sign me up! A few more needles can't hurt!

9 days until conception....

First Stimulation Shot(s)! Day 1 of Stims

This innocent enough looking basket and two bags contain everything necessary to give me my first two shots tonight.

On Closer Inspection....

Aha! There you are needles and alcohol pads!

Now it's Go Time for my ovaries.

And as promised, a video of the first shot. But this time my fan-obsessed son is in the background!!

11 days until conception.....

tick, tock, tick tock....

P.S. Do you like my "GROW EGGS GROW" background??? :-)

Suppression Check

Well, I'm back from my suppression check. Turns out, I'm depressed. NO I'M NOT, I'M SUPPRESSED!

Ok, corny joke. You get the gist. My follicles are calm, at the starting line, going "Come on bitches! SHOOT THE GUN!"

Here's how my suppression check went the first time in 2008.

This time at the new clinic, they are definitely more hands off which I'm appreciative of. They did no blood work so no estrogen counts to worry about. They did do a vaginal ultrasound again (what am I talking about, they've all been vaginal, you're welcome!) and she said there were no cysts on either side. She noticed 6-8 follicles on one side (right) and 8 or 9 on the left side (easier to see, she said). So that's at least 14 follicles that could be primed for pumping, likely more and just not visible on the ultrasound.

In 2008, I got 10 total eggs on Conception Day (Egg Retrieval Day). It will be interesting to see how my body responds to this new antagonist cycle as opposed to the Long Lupron cycle.

Nurse B called to tell me to start my stimulation meds on Friday!

*drum roll please*

• Gonal F Pen 225 units
• Menopur 75 units

I am to inject these two different meds every night until they tell me to stop or increase it or decrease it. My next appointment is on May 3rd to check to see how plump these suckers are!

So, today and tomorrow are my last (again) unmedicated days for quiiiiite some time. (14 weeks?) M's done his part, now I'm up to bat.

Friday begins the process of growing my baby. :-)

The Day Before Suppression Check

Knock, knock. Hey eggs, you in there? It's me, your momma. You've been quiet for a good nineteen days and tomorrow we're gonna make sure that you're teensy tiny, not making any noise or even THINKING about growing. Rest up little ones, cause soon it's.....

PARTY TIME!!!!

GET READY TO SHOUT LOUD AND HAVE A DANCE PARTY YA'LL CAUSE IT'S STIMULATION TIME!!!!!!!!!!!

heh.

I've officially hit my Rock Bottom On Birth Control, and have sunken to new emotional lows (nearly crying because I nicked a baby's finger (Sorry again, M), lashing out at my husband again (are you noticing a trend here yet) and more. It's not been that bad. WAY LESS BADDER than 2008. and 2010. This has been a pinch. And speaking of pinch:

I called the clinic to ask them where the dreaded IM injections of Progesterone in Oil was, and ALAS! They said they don't do them. WHAT? This is 25% of The Suck of the IVF process and poof just like that, it's gone. So, this cycle has been a blast compared to past. I feel lucky.

Will I BE lucky???

NO MORE BIRTH CONTROL PILLS!!!!

I did it!

I survived!

I made it through 19 days of controlled hormones with only a hot leg, some bitchiness and nausea. Not bad Ms. Thing!

Now, on to the hard part.

Tomorrow I go in early for my suppression check and we will see what they have to say! I'm gonna get all my meds, injection needles and alcohol swabs ready to aim, shoot and fire.

Maybe I'll record a video of the first shot like I did the other two IVFs?? Perhaps.

Day 17 on BCP

Tw....o....mor...e.....da....y...s of birth control. Whew. Two more. I can do this.

Wednesday is my suppression check to see if the birth control has quieted my ovaries enough for the clinic to be satisfied. They hope not to see any cysts or Other Weird Funky Things in my uterus and on my ovaries. They hope to find a pristine, glowing, shiny and sparkly unicorn uterus. And I plan to deliver!!

Once "cleared for takeoff", I start loading my injections and piling them into my belly. Day after day my ovaries will swell with little fat eggs growing and growing. And every day I will pump them up even further and further. Bring it on! (Can you tell I'm feeling cocky tonight?)

And you wouldn't think I would be so cocky given times are a' chaos right now as we just obtained another golden retriever to the clan. We may or may not keep him, but it has certainly given me a glimpse into what adding a newborn may be like. Huge change, everything's crazy, everyone's bickering and ooohing and awwing and enjoying new time and new memories, feelings of jealousy and of projection. Ahhh, good old human emotions. :-)

Every day since the day I started this process I've been crossing off the days and milestones on my IVF calendar. My desk sits looking out to the wonderful trees so it's a little weird to see this hugely prescriptive schedule with a gorgeous natural background. I say weird, but I mean..... comforting. I love crossing off days on the calendar.

Day 16 on BCP and an Update on my leg

I haven't felt the weird ass feeling in a long while now, since early evening yesterday. One link I read said a lack of B12 vitamin can do the same thing to one's leg, and I'd been missing about 3 days worth in a row, so maybe that was it??? ( I took them yesterday evening)

I'll certainly be taking my vitamins every day now. I'll my eye out for any more strange leg happenings. Thanks to my peeps who reached out to comfort me and my leg. And of course to my brother who was convinced I''m just pissing myself. Ah, gotta love family.

Day 15 on BCP and a weird side effect

Day 15, and I'm kinda done being on BCPs now.

I have had a weird side effect pop up and I'm not sure what to think about it. It started yesterday in the car while we were driving, it felt like hot water, not boiling water but hot water ran down my leg with tingles. I looked down and popped up a bit because I thought I'd spilled something but nothing was there.

Then later that night there were like hot sensations going up and down my left leg. Of course I did what no ordinary healthy woman should do, I looked my symptoms up online.

So needless to say, today I am convinced I have a) a deadly blood clot that is going to travel to my lung and kill me once massaged b) have Multiple Sclerosis. Yes, I know - quite a deviation between the two but that's the only thing that I could find describing my symptoms. So, it officially moves to the side effects list on the blog.

Scary warm water feeling on my leg

More scary stories from people with hot water leg

So, I'm hoping that goes away in 4 days which is when I stop taking the pills but it does remind me of just how sensitive my body is to medication and it does kinda scare me a bit. Maybe I will call about it today if it continues.

So anyway, that's how I'm starting off my morning. Wishing I hadn't googled the hell out of my symptoms last night and trying to shake the gloom and doom feeling of mortality into something a bit more positive.

Chat Funnies

Here's an IM conversion between Mark and I just now. Gotta love our sense of humor.

me: hi baby

Mark: hi

me: hows ur day

Mark: Whats black and blue and red allover

me: ur balls

Mark: yep

me: awwww baby

And then....in relation to the pain he's having in his balls.....

Mark: Now I know what it feels like to have a baby....

me: um.

did your entire TORSO come out of that incision?

No?

Well then NO you DONT know what its like to have a baby. :-)

ha ha

Mark: jeez I didnt think you'd come out so quick....on the comparative anaysis

me: Not gonna happen. By any stretch of the imagination. If you perhaps cut a limb, maybe two cut off, slowly - then yes - I would say we could compare.

And it would be tangerines and oranges, but it would be close.

Mark: I can see my sympathy card has run it course...

me: No you still get gash in the junk sympathy

Just not childbirth sympathy.

Thats an entire different ball game.

You're in the pee wee league.

Mark: Well cant blame me for trying

me:

Mark:

me:

Mark: