7 weeks, 2 days

I feel like tomorrow can't come soon enough. We didn't have to wait this long for Jonah, but that was our choice this time around. I didn't want the drama of going too early, not seeing a heartbeat and then freaking out only to come back and see a heartbeat days later.

But I feel like I haven't been able to truly SEE the pregnancy yet (besides my constant hacking, lethargic state of of well being of course.)

Here are 7 week ultrasound scans. She/he will still be a little bean but we should definitely be able to see something this time around.

Mark is taking off work so we'll make a day of it. Excited.

I've gained two pounds which for someone who can't gain weight EVER, this is good news. I was down to 100 lbs at Christmas, and am now bordering around 108 which is only 5 pounds less than when I started with Jonah. I'll take it!

It seems like the only way to stave off puking is to be constantly eating. And I mean constant, the second my stomach gets hungry, I get SICK. I went to a zoo playdate yesterday and stuffed myself before going. While walking around for an hour or two, the familiar gag started up again.

If I really focus on it, I'd lose my lunch. If I bite my lip, swallow a couple of times, shake my head and think of something, anything but sickness, I can push it off for another minute or two. Rinse and repeat.

I've been doing the unisom and B6 and I guess it's working because I'm not miserable and still slightly able to function, but damn if I didn't have that I can't imagine how it would be.

But, this is all good news, this is all reassuring, this is all a part of the game, so I'll take it.

And tomorrow we get to see and hear our little one for the first time. I'm excited, nervous, and ready.

7 weeks - Thanks for having morning sickness.

Occasionally Mark leaves me little notes on the counter before he goes to work. Sometimes they are funny drawings, sometimes words of encouragement and love.

The other day, I came down the stairs in the morning time to find a note on the counter that said:

"Thanks for having morning sickness."

At first I chuckled, placing the note on the large magnet board we have in the kitchen. Because I walk through the kitchen many times (6,499?) throughout the day, I see this note often now.

Like seeing the face of someone you love, it brings a sense of closeness to me.

But this morning, as I'm doing everything I can not to throw up, biting my lips, chewing food slowly, hacking, gagging, dry heave, I looked up and saw the note.

"Thanks for having morning sickness."

And perhaps it's the hormonal tears that have struck me as of late, but my heart ached for my husband and I read everything behind those words that were there all along.

I thank him for doing everything to bring our children in the world, for his surgeries, his life plans changing drastically, I thank him for doing all of this.

And here he was, thanking me too.

6 weeks, 5 days

Still here. Still queasy. Blegh. I'm so looking forward to our appointment this Friday where I get to see our little bean. Until then, get out of the way of my nausea!

5w5d

The morning sickness is creeeeeeeeeeeping in, I can feel it. All fine one moment, the next I'm on a boat.

BUT, I'm pregnant, so it's worth it!

4 weeks, 3 days

Second beta came in with AWESOME numbers. 780!

All that's left is for us to see the baby's heartbeat on June 17th and we're off to the midwives!

4 weeks, 2 days

It's official, I'm an emotional wreck. Go hormones!

4 weeks, 1 day

It's official!!! WE'RE PREGNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNAAAAAAAAAAANT!

First Beta: 309!!!

9dp5dt

Tomorrow's my first beta. I'm hoping for some awesome news. Appointment is at 7:45 am and I hope to hear the results by 2pmish.

Last time my beta was 200 for the first one, 518 for the second one. If I can get a good number on these betas, then it will be Official.

And I will be Officially Less Crazy*.

*Subject to who you are asking

8dp5dt

Holy morning sickness batman. I just got done telling a friend last night that so far so good on the MS front!

Ahem. This morning I awoke with a Quease. It's continued on throughout the morning, and I'm eating light meals, trying to contain it. No full on puking, but The Quease is here.

I'm going to set up an appointment with our ND for this week to see if she can give me diet tips. I may take Vitamin B IM injections if the MS gets bad enough. I've also got my sleep aid trick that worked wonders last time, but we'll save that as a last resort.

Today I feel more pregnant! Whenever I get the "I wonder if I'm still pregnant" feeling, I pee on a stick. The dark, dark line is so comforting and welcome. Today I *knew* it would turn dark and just did a quick glance for validation, dark!

And because I'm feeling Ultra Cocky, I just scheduled my second beta for Friday even though you only really do that once you know you're pregnant. Cocky? Yes mam!

Get this, tomorrow I am 4 weeks pregnant! WHAT.

7dp5dt

Still pregnant, still in shock!

I don't know why this time around I feel so cautious, so hesitant to say "Ok, it worked, we got a baby coming in 250 days!"

Maybe because of the September failure? Maybe because of my beloved dog's death, I'm not sure what it is, but I don't quite yet feel it's "real". I think I will better think it's real after Wednesday when I get the results of my blood test. If my HCG levels are adequate for a first beta, then perhaps I will believe it then? I sure hope I don't rely on labor pains and contractions and then go "Ok, this is real". (I suppose my budding belly would convince me after long) "It's not a tumah!"

(Arnold humor just isn't the same anymore is it?)

I realized as I was taking my 40th or so pregnancy test, I wish I was joking, that IVFers are in a constant state of worry, hope and wait. This is how I remember it:

• Worry for the meds, hope they work and create good eggs, wait for the eggs to mature
• Worry for the eggs, hope there are many and mature, wait for the fertilization report
• Worry for the embryos, hope some make it to day 5, wait for the full five days
• Worry for the one transferred, hope it sticks, wait for the beta results
• Worry for the second beta, hope the number has doubled, wait for the 2nd beta results
• Worry for the heartbeat ultrasound, hope there is a heartbeat, wait for the results of the u/s
• Worry about a miscarriage, hope the baby grows healthy and strong, wait for the second trimester
• Wait for the anatomy scan, hope there is a healthy baby, wait for 20 weeks

After this, then the worry becomes less, and my focus can change to focusing on his or her birth, and building a stellar birth team to support us.

So, I'm right in the midst of:

• Worry for the one transferred, hope it sticks, wait for the beta results

Perhaps, after Wednesday it will feel more 'real'.

Ok, negative/doubty stuff over. In pregnancy news, I AM TIRED. No really, like pregnancy tired. I wake up and feel completely unrested like I could just turn around and jump right back into bed. But have you ever tried doing that with a toddler?

"Get UP Momma. Downstairs, now momma. Up, up, up Momma." Gone are the days of taking a day off "work" because I'm "tired". Funny. Time to pony up, cowboy up, and suck it up. Other symptoms are my sore ass boobs. The left one more than the right one, but damn am I glad that Jonah and I weaned before I got pregnant! Having to pull one of these sore puppies out for someone else to get a meal or some snuggles sounds hugely unappetizing at the moment.

One of my favorite parts of right now is the quiet moments I have to myself. I'm able to wrap my thoughts within my thoughts and start piecing together the change that just happened in our lives. I start imagining my growing belly, a homebirth upstairs staring at the water, a girl, or a boy, names, the whole thing. These are my private thoughts, and like a blanket, they are damn comforting.

5dp5dt - Pregnant!

That's right folks. I'm pregnant. It worked! It worked! It worked!

Can you see me dancing? Can you see me laughing and crying and spinning in circles and did I say smiling yet? It worked. Thank the universe and all its good, it worked, it worked, it worked.

I woke up at 3 am this morning and believe it or not, peed in a cup and tested it. It was blurry, I was blurry, but whatever it said, I felt a bit anxious and crawled in next to Mark in bed. I thought and thought and thought. Hmmm, by now I should see SOMETHING more definitive right?

(Rewind to yesterday, I didn't tell you Bloggy, but I saw a faint line then too, but I wanted to be suresure, since the digital tests were rendering negative.)

Fast forward to this morning, toss turn, anxiety, sleep for two more hours and around 730 a.m. I peed again on about, *cough* five sticks. 3 generics, 2 first response two lines kind. All showed positive. I figured if pregnant, my HCG level is now at least at 25 and if healthy, will continue to rise. But the damn digital, that evil digital with its NOT PREGNANT staring at my face. I will conquer you digital. If I can get an HCG level high enough to render pregnant on these digitals, then I will finally believe it.

So this afternoon around 1, (ok, I admit first I went to the drug store and bought more tests. I am officially a maniac and there should be an intervention.) I came home and peed in a cup, arming myself with 3 different types of weapons, The Generic, The Expensive and The Digital.

The Generic and The Expensive immediately showed positive lines, and well the Digital....blink, blink, blink, blink, blink: and this is what I was saying aloud as crouched on my knees,

PLEASEGODLETTHISBEAPOSITIVEOHMYGODWHATEVERYOUDOPLEASELETTHIS

FUCKINGTHINGSHOWPOSITIVEPLEASEGODANDALLMYDEADRELATIVESMAKE

THISTHINGAPOSITIVEOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODWHENWILLITTELLME

Pregnant

The other digital says "Yes +"

So, there you have it. I burst into tears. I am still in shock. How can you go from being not pregnant to pregnant? How can you go from not harboring life to one day sustaining it? I am overjoyed, thrilled, but still in shock. Another post when my mouth isn't hanging open and I look a little less like this: