I don't know why this time around I feel so cautious, so hesitant to say "Ok, it worked, we got a baby coming in 250 days!"
Maybe because of the September failure? Maybe because of my beloved dog's death, I'm not sure what it is, but I don't quite yet feel it's "real". I think I will better think it's real after Wednesday when I get the results of my blood test. If my HCG levels are adequate for a first beta, then perhaps I will believe it then? I sure hope I don't rely on labor pains and contractions and then go "Ok, this is real". (I suppose my budding belly would convince me after long) "It's not a tumah!"
(Arnold humor just isn't the same anymore is it?)
I realized as I was taking my 40th or so pregnancy test, I wish I was joking, that IVFers are in a constant state of worry, hope and wait. This is how I remember it:
- Worry for the meds, hope they work and create good eggs, wait for the eggs to mature
- Worry for the eggs, hope there are many and mature, wait for the fertilization report
- Worry for the embryos, hope some make it to day 5, wait for the full five days
- Worry for the one transferred, hope it sticks, wait for the beta results
- Worry for the second beta, hope the number has doubled, wait for the 2nd beta results
- Worry for the heartbeat ultrasound, hope there is a heartbeat, wait for the results of the u/s
- Worry about a miscarriage, hope the baby grows healthy and strong, wait for the second trimester
- Wait for the anatomy scan, hope there is a healthy baby, wait for 20 weeks
After this, then the worry becomes less, and my focus can change to focusing on his or her birth, and building a stellar birth team to support us.
So, I'm right in the midst of:
- Worry for the one transferred, hope it sticks, wait for the beta results
Perhaps, after Wednesday it will feel more 'real'.
Ok, negative/doubty stuff over. In pregnancy news, I AM TIRED. No really, like pregnancy tired. I wake up and feel completely unrested like I could just turn around and jump right back into bed. But have you ever tried doing that with a toddler?
"Get UP Momma. Downstairs, now momma. Up, up, up Momma." Gone are the days of taking a day off "work" because I'm "tired". Funny. Time to pony up, cowboy up, and suck it up. Other symptoms are my sore ass boobs. The left one more than the right one, but damn am I glad that Jonah and I weaned before I got pregnant! Having to pull one of these sore puppies out for someone else to get a meal or some snuggles sounds hugely unappetizing at the moment.
One of my favorite parts of right now is the quiet moments I have to myself. I'm able to wrap my thoughts within my thoughts and start piecing together the change that just happened in our lives. I start imagining my growing belly, a homebirth upstairs staring at the water, a girl, or a boy, names, the whole thing. These are my private thoughts, and like a blanket, they are damn comforting.
