Day 10 of stims

I went in for my bloodwork and ultrasound once more. I have to say I was a bit disappointed by the number of eggs, mature eggs that is, it was only around 3 with a few following. Yikes.

Ugh. This is the part where doubt creeps in, and I wish I could just separate myself from the data.

What will be will be.

They said they were unsure if they would stim me for another day and push the retrieval out a day or if they would just pull the eggs out that they saw and hope for the best. So now I await the phone call letting me know which way it will go.

There is this force of anticipation, and utter hope. The two conflict, one says be more patient, the other has no limits.

Doubt. Doubt. Doubt. Sneaking in my head and heart. I think with the IVF process it all comes down to this, letting go. It's hard to let go, and jump and just know in your heart there is a greater plan for you. And you may fall, and you may fly - but regardless you are safe in a plan greater than oneself and perhaps faith is the liberating tool. I have faith that no matter what happens, I will survive it, be stronger for it, and learn from it.

And I am brought back to one of my now favorite quotes:

"‎No matter how much the spring wind loves the peach blossoms, they still fall."

More with the call from the nurse...

Day 9 of Stims

I felt ok today. Not my usual normal, or my BCP normal or even my stim normal. Probably better than my stim normal. Still tight and bloated, but I felt ok. I miss yoga and stretching and feeling healthier without so much in my system.

BUT! I'm so close. And when the sonographer was measuring my follicles last time I spotted one and said:

is it you?

In my head of course, but I wonder that. Are you him? Are you her? Will you end up in my arms? Last time seeing follicles and hearing of sperm was all so technical. But now that I have Jonah, and I see what this *stuff* really produces, it's mind blowing. I am STARING at what could end up being my CHILD. She is MEASURING and poking and prodding what could be my daughter or son! Weirdness abounds, but it's appreciated.

I just took my final shots. Well, before the big HCG shot tomorrow night. But it felt good to throw the last one in the sharps container. Ok, that's it I said. One more tomorrow night at trigger and we're done with injections completely!

I do have a boat ton of vaginal suppositories that I will be placing in my vag 3 times daily that will leak out of me like some kind of offputting science experiment but that's for another post!

Tomorrow is day 10 of stims. I'm going in for an ultrasound and more bloodwork. This is how it went in 2008. And a second post when I realized I'd be triggering that night.

2.5 days until we conceive Life.

Half of me and Half of M will come together and grow.

7.5 days until we attempt to rejoin he or she back to its home in my womb.

Will it park it for nine more months? We shall see.

Day 8 of stims and Stim Check #2

Day 8 stim check went well. I now look like I'm two or three months pregnant due to the bloat, so I figured - hey why even have an embryo transferred? I'll just keep bloating up my uterus and start emulating pregnancy this way!

Ok, no.

I'd go into how many follicles they saw and the measurements and what have you, but I've learned from previous IVF cycles not to get caught up in that game. I only got 10 eggs, 8 mature when we conceived Jonah, and it literally only takes one. So, I'm gonna keep my analytical self out of this part this time around to save myself the stress and headache. It is all out of my control now anyway, so there is nothing in my power to change anything.

I'm doing great self-care though, acupuncture and massage today, chiropractic last week. I felt great after the acupuncture today, I felt lighter and "clearer" even though that seems odd. I will have a session done prior to transfer and immediately after transfer.

I have to come in on Sunday again to monitor my Big Ole Eggs, and I'm pretty sure they will have me trigger on Sunday, to harvest the eggs on Tuesday. (OMG SO SOON!) What is trigger you ask? That's the HCG shot that matures my eggs to completion and prepares them for a'pluckin'. This HCG shot is an IM shot and one that M will have to give me in my butt. No way am I brave enough to jab that Pulp Fiction like needle into my own ass. No thanks.

The timing of this shot is crucial, as my eggs need to be taken out within a certain time period after the shot. Hours count. So we will make sure to be Super Prepared for this last oldie but goodie injection.

My box o' meds has dwindled down to nearly nothing. There's vicodin for the egg retrieval (thanks, btw!) and antibiotics and my vaginal progesterone suppositories and that's it! Wild.

Nurse B called with my results from todays stim check:

Estrogen @ 725

My dosage instructions for to stay the same!

We're down to the wire. Last few days left and then it will be out of our hands and into the hands of great science and even greater, Life.

Day 7 of stims.

Yoga Pants. From now until retrieval.

SAYS MEH BELLY.

Day 6 of Stims

Yep, that's right. I've upgraded (or downgraded as it were) to the ponytail-holder-in-the-jeans trick. I can no longer button my jeans without unreasonable discomfort so this pregnancy trick is tiding me over.

I feel big. There is a solid band around my gut that doesn't really move when I move. It is very much like the first three months of pregnancy, again ironic.

I believe the Certotide gave me a massive migraine last night but I won't put it on the side effect list unless it happens again. I *know* these stims are working, I look forward to seeing Friday's output. And I look forward to the acupuncture!

Ok, off to roost.

BRB (Bloat Right Back)

Day 4 of stims again

Ugh. I feel achey. Full and achey. There's a party happening in there. Heating pad on my back. ow.

Day 4 of stims

Well, something is definitely happening in there. (there being my ovaries, what did you think???)

I've got mild and uncomfortable cramping along the line of my back, for you ladies out there, it very much feels like when you're about to get your period and your lower back hurts like a $#%#^. Yeah that's what it feels like right now.

My stomach feels tight as well and not in the 6 pack way, in the way that it feels tight to do simple turns, bend and touch my toes, you name it. I definitely see why they don't want yoga during this time period!

Only a week from tomorrow until conception day and these suckers can come out.

I'll definitely be eager to see how tomorrow's Day 5 stim ultrasound goes! Here's what I remember from 2008 on Day 5 of stims.

Day 3 of Stims

Day 3! Not much to report as far as the stims are concerned. Definitely some ovarian twitches here and there, but not the bloat, yet. I have two bloodwork and ultrasound appointments this week to confirm my eggs are blossoming, Tuesday and Friday.

Friday I also scheduled an acupuncture appointment. She said it's also great during stim week because it brings a lot of blood and energy into the uterus. Sign me up! A few more needles can't hurt!

9 days until conception....

Day 16 on BCP and an Update on my leg

I haven't felt the weird ass feeling in a long while now, since early evening yesterday. One link I read said a lack of B12 vitamin can do the same thing to one's leg, and I'd been missing about 3 days worth in a row, so maybe that was it??? ( I took them yesterday evening)

I'll certainly be taking my vitamins every day now. I'll my eye out for any more strange leg happenings. Thanks to my peeps who reached out to comfort me and my leg. And of course to my brother who was convinced I''m just pissing myself. Ah, gotta love family.

Day 15 on BCP and a weird side effect

Day 15, and I'm kinda done being on BCPs now.

I have had a weird side effect pop up and I'm not sure what to think about it. It started yesterday in the car while we were driving, it felt like hot water, not boiling water but hot water ran down my leg with tingles. I looked down and popped up a bit because I thought I'd spilled something but nothing was there.

Then later that night there were like hot sensations going up and down my left leg. Of course I did what no ordinary healthy woman should do, I looked my symptoms up online.

So needless to say, today I am convinced I have a) a deadly blood clot that is going to travel to my lung and kill me once massaged b) have Multiple Sclerosis. Yes, I know - quite a deviation between the two but that's the only thing that I could find describing my symptoms. So, it officially moves to the side effects list on the blog.

Scary warm water feeling on my leg

More scary stories from people with hot water leg

So, I'm hoping that goes away in 4 days which is when I stop taking the pills but it does remind me of just how sensitive my body is to medication and it does kinda scare me a bit. Maybe I will call about it today if it continues.

So anyway, that's how I'm starting off my morning. Wishing I hadn't googled the hell out of my symptoms last night and trying to shake the gloom and doom feeling of mortality into something a bit more positive.

Day 5 of BCP -The Beast

Well, The Beast is here.

She showed up yesterday getting into the car after music class but I didn't recognize her reflection in the window. I mean, she LOOKS like me, but she is definitely NOT me.

Today my husband got the lash out. Because he gets to shower every morning. By himself. And for some reason this morning that was more than I could take (I'm laughing as I'm typing this...now) and the poor thing held his own with firm kind arms and hugged me and calmed me down. I've been trying my best to shield The Beast from Jonah but I know he feels me agitated.

I think this is when I started to get all crappy last time around, but instead of dwelling on it, I need to breathe deep and find my way out of it.

I am currently staring at a bald eagle in a very tall tree on the water, and life really couldn't get any better. Hang in there with me family (and friends?!), this too shall pass.

For now, a picture of what the IVF # 3 She Beast looks like.

The Beast