First Stimulation Shot(s)! Day 1 of Stims

This innocent enough looking basket and two bags contain everything necessary to give me my first two shots tonight.

On Closer Inspection....

Aha! There you are needles and alcohol pads!

Now it's Go Time for my ovaries.

And as promised, a video of the first shot. But this time my fan-obsessed son is in the background!!

11 days until conception.....

tick, tock, tick tock....

P.S. Do you like my "GROW EGGS GROW" background??? :-)

Suppression Check

Well, I'm back from my suppression check. Turns out, I'm depressed. NO I'M NOT, I'M SUPPRESSED!

Ok, corny joke. You get the gist. My follicles are calm, at the starting line, going "Come on bitches! SHOOT THE GUN!"

Here's how my suppression check went the first time in 2008.

This time at the new clinic, they are definitely more hands off which I'm appreciative of. They did no blood work so no estrogen counts to worry about. They did do a vaginal ultrasound again (what am I talking about, they've all been vaginal, you're welcome!) and she said there were no cysts on either side. She noticed 6-8 follicles on one side (right) and 8 or 9 on the left side (easier to see, she said). So that's at least 14 follicles that could be primed for pumping, likely more and just not visible on the ultrasound.

In 2008, I got 10 total eggs on Conception Day (Egg Retrieval Day). It will be interesting to see how my body responds to this new antagonist cycle as opposed to the Long Lupron cycle.

Nurse B called to tell me to start my stimulation meds on Friday!

*drum roll please*

• Gonal F Pen 225 units
• Menopur 75 units

I am to inject these two different meds every night until they tell me to stop or increase it or decrease it. My next appointment is on May 3rd to check to see how plump these suckers are!

So, today and tomorrow are my last (again) unmedicated days for quiiiiite some time. (14 weeks?) M's done his part, now I'm up to bat.

Friday begins the process of growing my baby. :-)

The Day Before Suppression Check

Knock, knock. Hey eggs, you in there? It's me, your momma. You've been quiet for a good nineteen days and tomorrow we're gonna make sure that you're teensy tiny, not making any noise or even THINKING about growing. Rest up little ones, cause soon it's.....

PARTY TIME!!!!

GET READY TO SHOUT LOUD AND HAVE A DANCE PARTY YA'LL CAUSE IT'S STIMULATION TIME!!!!!!!!!!!

heh.

I've officially hit my Rock Bottom On Birth Control, and have sunken to new emotional lows (nearly crying because I nicked a baby's finger (Sorry again, M), lashing out at my husband again (are you noticing a trend here yet) and more. It's not been that bad. WAY LESS BADDER than 2008. and 2010. This has been a pinch. And speaking of pinch:

I called the clinic to ask them where the dreaded IM injections of Progesterone in Oil was, and ALAS! They said they don't do them. WHAT? This is 25% of The Suck of the IVF process and poof just like that, it's gone. So, this cycle has been a blast compared to past. I feel lucky.

Will I BE lucky???

NO MORE BIRTH CONTROL PILLS!!!!

I did it!

I survived!

I made it through 19 days of controlled hormones with only a hot leg, some bitchiness and nausea. Not bad Ms. Thing!

Now, on to the hard part.

Tomorrow I go in early for my suppression check and we will see what they have to say! I'm gonna get all my meds, injection needles and alcohol swabs ready to aim, shoot and fire.

Maybe I'll record a video of the first shot like I did the other two IVFs?? Perhaps.

Day 17 on BCP

Tw....o....mor...e.....da....y...s of birth control. Whew. Two more. I can do this.

Wednesday is my suppression check to see if the birth control has quieted my ovaries enough for the clinic to be satisfied. They hope not to see any cysts or Other Weird Funky Things in my uterus and on my ovaries. They hope to find a pristine, glowing, shiny and sparkly unicorn uterus. And I plan to deliver!!

Once "cleared for takeoff", I start loading my injections and piling them into my belly. Day after day my ovaries will swell with little fat eggs growing and growing. And every day I will pump them up even further and further. Bring it on! (Can you tell I'm feeling cocky tonight?)

And you wouldn't think I would be so cocky given times are a' chaos right now as we just obtained another golden retriever to the clan. We may or may not keep him, but it has certainly given me a glimpse into what adding a newborn may be like. Huge change, everything's crazy, everyone's bickering and ooohing and awwing and enjoying new time and new memories, feelings of jealousy and of projection. Ahhh, good old human emotions. :-)

Every day since the day I started this process I've been crossing off the days and milestones on my IVF calendar. My desk sits looking out to the wonderful trees so it's a little weird to see this hugely prescriptive schedule with a gorgeous natural background. I say weird, but I mean..... comforting. I love crossing off days on the calendar.

Day 16 on BCP and an Update on my leg

I haven't felt the weird ass feeling in a long while now, since early evening yesterday. One link I read said a lack of B12 vitamin can do the same thing to one's leg, and I'd been missing about 3 days worth in a row, so maybe that was it??? ( I took them yesterday evening)

I'll certainly be taking my vitamins every day now. I'll my eye out for any more strange leg happenings. Thanks to my peeps who reached out to comfort me and my leg. And of course to my brother who was convinced I''m just pissing myself. Ah, gotta love family.

Day 15 on BCP and a weird side effect

Day 15, and I'm kinda done being on BCPs now.

I have had a weird side effect pop up and I'm not sure what to think about it. It started yesterday in the car while we were driving, it felt like hot water, not boiling water but hot water ran down my leg with tingles. I looked down and popped up a bit because I thought I'd spilled something but nothing was there.

Then later that night there were like hot sensations going up and down my left leg. Of course I did what no ordinary healthy woman should do, I looked my symptoms up online.

So needless to say, today I am convinced I have a) a deadly blood clot that is going to travel to my lung and kill me once massaged b) have Multiple Sclerosis. Yes, I know - quite a deviation between the two but that's the only thing that I could find describing my symptoms. So, it officially moves to the side effects list on the blog.

Scary warm water feeling on my leg

More scary stories from people with hot water leg

So, I'm hoping that goes away in 4 days which is when I stop taking the pills but it does remind me of just how sensitive my body is to medication and it does kinda scare me a bit. Maybe I will call about it today if it continues.

So anyway, that's how I'm starting off my morning. Wishing I hadn't googled the hell out of my symptoms last night and trying to shake the gloom and doom feeling of mortality into something a bit more positive.

Chat Funnies

Here's an IM conversion between Mark and I just now. Gotta love our sense of humor.

me: hi baby

Mark: hi

me: hows ur day

Mark: Whats black and blue and red allover

me: ur balls

Mark: yep

me: awwww baby

And then....in relation to the pain he's having in his balls.....

Mark: Now I know what it feels like to have a baby....

me: um.

did your entire TORSO come out of that incision?

No?

Well then NO you DONT know what its like to have a baby. :-)

ha ha

Mark: jeez I didnt think you'd come out so quick....on the comparative anaysis

me: Not gonna happen. By any stretch of the imagination. If you perhaps cut a limb, maybe two cut off, slowly - then yes - I would say we could compare.

And it would be tangerines and oranges, but it would be close.

Mark: I can see my sympathy card has run it course...

me: No you still get gash in the junk sympathy

Just not childbirth sympathy.

Thats an entire different ball game.

You're in the pee wee league.

Mark: Well cant blame me for trying

me:

Mark:

me:

Mark:

Day 14 on BCP and Meds Arrive!

Enjoying what is always a wonderful sit down playdate with my friend Jenny, I heard a tap on the window and sure enough, it was the Man with the Meds.

I took the box and I think both Jenny and I were surprised! It was full to the brim of all sorts of stuff. Stimulation meds, HCG hormones, hydrocodone, and more. I wasn't intimidated this time around. In fact, I ran to get my other bag of meds to combine them so I could feel safe with them all in one spot. There were needles a plenty, alcohol swabs and of course the sharps container you'll see Jonah holding in his hand. That's where you store all the used needles.

I feel a little scared to be honest. Scared of what the medications will do to my body and mind, but I feel ok with it. A calm with it. I am scared of it not working. And people feeling bad for me, and me feeling bad for me but I know I will of course persevere and continue the journey.

Talking to Jenny today, I realized that we are all in stages of our lives, and though not exact - they are similar. And we all have wisdom to offer one another no matter the stage we are in. But in the end, it's all ok. The stages, phases, patterns, inconsistencies, confusion, all of it is beautiful and hard but beautiful.

I feel lucky to have close family and friends who lift me in this journey, I feel their support even as I type these words. It means a lot.

Since my new normal is being on birth control, I will say that I have five birth control pills left to take before my new normal changes into my old new normal and I take on a new new normal.

This is one where I am injecting myself every night with medicine that cause my eggs to all grow fiercely at the same time, tweaking the natural process of reproduction for selfish (but awesome!) purposes of harvesting (which it truly is) as many mature eggs as possible. I will likely experience side effects and unclear thinking, headaches, crying and irritability. I will be a Huge Ass Chicken. This is what it boils down to, a Huge Ass Chicken who will day it take it one day at a time. One day at a time.

Success!!

We have sperm!

The surgery went really well. Like old pros, M and I went into the clinic and they took us back to the surgical rooms. I got to walk down a long hallway with multiple rooms labeled for different things. I saw the embryo transfer rooms! A bit more homey and technical than the other 'prop your feet up and lemme see your uterus' rooms but exciting all the while.

M was a champ. The doctor said the procedure went "beautifully" and that he was able to get a lot of sperm from his first poke. They didn't even need to tap the other one, they got "TONS" the nurse said. Never have I been so happy to hear about TONS of sperm!

So, the first half is complete. M's little swimmers are on ice now, waiting for my half of the equation. Which is about 20 days away today. 20 days until conception!!!!

Freaky. Love it. It's weird, we're making a baby.

Love you baby for going through all of that today.

Check his hat. The anesthesiologist said he looked French. And that he heard French men are good lovers so maybe he would have good sperm. Funny guy. But apparently M DOES have French sperm!!

Day 12 on BCP and Sperm Surgery

In five hours, Jonah's babysitter arrives and we head off to the hospital.

Once there, they will put Mark under, and take a needle to his balls. What a husband! Thanks dear.

Last time he had the surgery done, they said his right teste had plenty but that his left one was hard to work with due to a previous injury as a child. Let's just hope they find what they need after tapping the first one.

(I say tapping like its a Sperm Draft Beer or something.)

All stats say there is a high likelihood of us being able to retrieve fine no problem, but boy have we been the victim of stats! (vasectomy reversal, Colic, Frozen Embryo Transfer etc) We will be fine, all will be well and today our child will be plucked from the loins of his/her father.

Here's to half of the journey completed today. After this and our suppression check next Wed, it's Egg Plumpin time.

More when we get back.

Day 9 of BCP

All of my medications arrive Thursday! While Jenny and Synia are here! Yay!!

Day 8 of BCP

All is going well. The Beast has calmed. The headaches have calmed. I have one normal week next week (my new normal is on BCPs) and after that new normal week, then it's party time. And by party time, I mean a party in my uterus. My ovaries are going to be massive and achy and ready for a popping. Aww close to Easter, how appropriate.

Speaking of eggs, want to see something that sure to make you cringe a little? Ovulation, or the moment an egg is release from a woman's ovary was capture in photography by Dr. Jaques Donnez. It's damn interesting if you're into reproductive stuffs like I am.

Let me draw your attention to this picture:

See that THING labeled follicle? See how red and swollen it looks? See how there is only ONE popping out an egg? Can you imagine 10 or more of those suckers on EACH ovary. Growing as big and fat as possible without popping. Like jiffy pop, scraping across the oven burner, hoping the aluminum doesn't pop over. And right at the last minute, BAM! The doctor goes in and yanks them all out.

Can you imagine my poor swollen uterus with a dozen or so eggs growing looking like that EACH?

Chicken's got some competition.

*all images hideously stolen from hard working people

Day 5 of BCP -The Beast

Well, The Beast is here.

She showed up yesterday getting into the car after music class but I didn't recognize her reflection in the window. I mean, she LOOKS like me, but she is definitely NOT me.

Today my husband got the lash out. Because he gets to shower every morning. By himself. And for some reason this morning that was more than I could take (I'm laughing as I'm typing this...now) and the poor thing held his own with firm kind arms and hugged me and calmed me down. I've been trying my best to shield The Beast from Jonah but I know he feels me agitated.

I think this is when I started to get all crappy last time around, but instead of dwelling on it, I need to breathe deep and find my way out of it.

I am currently staring at a bald eagle in a very tall tree on the water, and life really couldn't get any better. Hang in there with me family (and friends?!), this too shall pass.

For now, a picture of what the IVF # 3 She Beast looks like.

The Beast

Weaning.

Again, this journal or Jonah's - updates really cross both journals. We're in the process of slowly weaning. I'm ready. Not sure if it's IVF or just natural timing for me/us but I'm starting with nightweaning first. It's a long and emotional process, but beautiful in the same. I'll take it slowly and we will see how it goes.

Here is a poem I have always loved that I found online:

Wean Me Gently

by Cathy Cardall I know I look so big to you, Maybe I seem too big for the needs I have. But no matter how big we get, We still have needs that are important to us. I know that our relationship is growing and changing, But I still need you. I need your warmth and closeness, Especially at the end of the day When we snuggle up in bed. Please don't get too busy for us to nurse. I know you think I can be patient, Or find something to take the place of a nursing; A book, a glass of something, But nothing can take your place when I need you. Sometimes just cuddling with you, Having you near me is enough. I guess I am growing and becoming independent, But please be there. This bond we have is so strong and so important to me, Please don't break it abruptly. Wean me gently, Because I am your mother, And my heart is tender.

Day 4 of BCP

I have my suppression check ultrasound on April 27th.

This will let them know if my ovaries are quiet and ready to be attacked full throttle. If they are, and if there are no cysts, school buses or other crazy things harboring in my uterus then all systems will be a go and I will start stimulating my eggs on 4/29. Stimulating my eggs! Weird! Awesome.

Two weeks left on the BCP. I've definitely been more nauseas this time around on this BCP but I'm powering through. Better get used to feeling ill if we're successful!

3 days on BCP and Sperm Surgery

So far, so ok. Migraines since starting BCP but I'm hoping that will even out soon once my body gets better adjusted. No bitchiness yet!

Mark's surgery to retrieve and freeze his sperm is next Wednesday. Exciting!! Here's to hoping they get some nice plump sperm! Heh.

(You're welcome for this.)

First Birth Control Pill down

18 more to go. :-)

Let's see, I captured my last cycle BCP side effects:

"BCP Side Effects - bitchy, migraines, supply decrease, painful nursing"

I reread some of the BCP posts from the prior cycles but the pictures of beasts and monsters is making me laugh. Oh, such fun! Let's see how this one goes.

Brace yourself friends and family!

Ok, I'll have fun.

There are all sorts of fun IVF calculators out there, that basically give you every single date you could possibly want since you literally know the minute of conception and there is no doubt on most of the these variables. Based on my current IVF schedule, *and* if I do indeed get pregnant, here are the stats for our little one:

Due Date: Jan 31, 2012

2nd Trimester - July 19

3rd Trimester - Nov 1

Heartbeat Begins

June 02, 2011

Limb Buds Forming

June 06, 2011

End Embryo Stage

June 21, 2011

U/S Heartbeat Detected

June 14, 2011

Brainwaves Begin

June 27, 2011

Essential Structures Complete

July 05, 2011

Movement Begins

August 02, 2011

Fetus May Suck Thumb

September 27, 2011

Maternal Sounds Recognized

October 11, 2011

The Journey.

So my period arrived. Later in the day, so it will 'count' for tomorrow. I've updated my schedule below. Basically, my egg retrieval is the week of May 9th, and my transfer is the week of the 16th. Wowsers!

One thing people keep asking me is "Are you ready?" And bless their hearts, they mean well, but the question is so loaded. What if I say no? What if I just smile and nod?

When other people say they are trying to conceive, we say "ooooh how exciting, good luck!"

Perhaps they are asking if I'm ready for the journey. And yes, I am ready for the journey.

I feel an immense gratitude to my friend Jenny for giving me this book about motherhood from a woman who identifies as a Buddhist. I've not finished the entire thing, but I'm at least 85% done, and I feel it's touched me. Similar to the friendship Jenny and I have, it is genuine, real, enlightening and walks you through her journey. It is hard not to identify your own through her words.

One phrase that spoke to me from this book was:

No matter how much the spring wind loves the peach blossoms, they still fall.

Wow. This was powerful. It's amazing the power of words and our interpretation. Right now those words mean nothing to some, much to many and will one day mean more to most than now.

When I see the blossoms of Beanie's flowers, I can no longer look at the petals that are falling as sad. Because no matter how much I loved Beanie, I could not keep him here. No matter how much I want his flowers to be ever-blooming, their petals will fall and this is not a sign of sadness. No matter how much hope and love I have to bring this next child into our lives, I do not control the outcome.

if something goes awry in this process, if the 'petals fall' and we end up not bringing a baby into this world, all is not lost. I have to remember to keep pushing on and through and to try again. And to feel, and heal in this process.

This is gonna go quick. Quicker than last time, less worry and stress. Quicker than some of you will realize.

I take a deep breath. Imagine my ovaries housing all of these high quality eggs with smiles on their faces, ready to be pumped up big and mature, finalists in the race to create our embryos. I wonder how many embryos we will create. I wonder how many will survive to 3 days of fertilization. 5 days of fertilization? Any high quality enough to freeze?

I am calmer about this. It's more intriguing this time around than frightening. Holly gave me some wonderful songs, and I've been listening to them in preparation for the transfer. I want to be familiar with them so that when it comes time, it's like I'm sliding into a comfortable chair when I put the headphones in my ears before and after the transfer. Music really is my mantra in all things Life. The most interesting thing, is one of the songs Holly gave me, I actually listened to for about 15 hours in labor. My flutes. So, because of this 'coincidence, this will be the song I listen to immediately after the transfer.

Life is coming. In all shapes and sizes and ages, life is soon to be created. What comes from that, is all part of the journey.

Damn, it's beautiful isn't it?

‎

Potential Schedule (updated)

I'm back. And ready.

I'm back. And it's funny because I remember writing a very similar post here.

The cramps are ravaging my abdomen as we speak but because these are my last natural cramps, I take nothing for them. Not to be a martyr but because right now I want to *feel*. (Ask me again in a couple of hours when it no longer seems like a great idea.)

After just getting home from Hawaii hours ago, I feel a bit overwhelmed at the prospect of IVF right now, but I know that's just because I'm a) a little scared b) a little tired.

Ok, let me look at my schedule. Based on my knowledge of myself, I say my period will arrive in the next 24 hours. I am supposed to start my BCP on day 4 of menses, which will likely be Wed.

From there, it's really up to me. I can choose to extend my BCP (isn't it weird, I'm essentially picking my due date via my BCP???) or take it according to the schedule which is around 20 days right now. I'm aiming NOT to have the egg retrieval and transfer on a Wednesday because childcare is a bit of a nightmare that day, so here's to hoping.

And here's to jumping in, feet uterus first.