Consultation Complete

So, that went better than we thought.

We started the morning in a bit of a grumpy mood (I'll blame M, he'll blame me) :-).

We half-ass attempted to make one of our infamous IVF videos but a) it was freezing outside b) it's hard to put on a smile when you're wanting to grab the cameraman's head and squeeze it.

That being said, once we walked into the doors, M and I were back to being best friends again, thankfully.

First off, the building is huge. Amazingly huge and pristine and colorful and did I mention huge. Now I was told that this clinic "was bigger so less personal". I was going in half expecting to see staff workers in gerbil wheels, constantly shooting out patient after patient. What I discovered was something else.

Now perhaps I'm a bit biased since we feel a bit let down by the old clinic, but I was impressed and so was M. The letters that line their door are colored in red blue and yellow (why I remember that, I am not sure). The waiting room was large and open with little cubbies of space that looked perfect for those moments you don't feel like looking at other eager infertile people.

I know bigger isn't supposed to be better, but bigger felt better. Bigger felt like we were on the winning team, bigger felt safer. (I am well aware this has nothing to do with the size of the building and everything to do with the feeling of safety, but roll with me sans psychology, mk?)

As many of my loyal friends and family know, when I get nervous, this girl has to poop. And not like once or twice. Like every five minutes until the said scary event occurs. Somehow my bowels know to Cowboy Up when it comes time to do a scary event, but holy god the build up to the event is one where my bowels and I are not in sync on how to handle things.

I walked straight to the restroom and began to look around at the walls, the ceiling, the rooms with the stirrups and the rooms where men make "deposits".... it was all so NEW, and DIFFERENT, and it almost felt like the first time I embraced the process but this time it felt *good*. I felt like we were in the right place, but damn if it didn't feel a bit like the first day of school.

I got weighed. I got measured. I got blood pressured. We get sat back into the waiting room.

Throughout the process I am making comparisons between the two experiences, all at the same time NOT trying to compare the two and instead just trying to experience this.

Dr. K comes and gets us and she was a warm smile, good energy. I sighed with a relieving sigh and we followed her into her office. I liked how she didn't sit behind her desk, and instead she pulled her chair right up in front of our two chairs.

I'd been having this conversation in my head for a week now, and I was hoping she was just going to let me unleash and say all I wanted to say, and indeed she did. "Why don't you just tell me everything, looks like you've been here before."

So I started.

Prior Marriage. Fathered two children. Vasectomy. Fast forward. Vasectomy reversal. Failed. IVF #1, FET Failure. Now we're here, with you. And oh by the way, I'm nursing, are you cool with that? Ok, good.

So we explained to her that an elective single embryo transfer (eSET) is our goal, and unless the grace of god splits our little blastocyst into two, there was no way we were walking out of there with two embryos. She was happy about this. She said eSET is old hat at their clinic. Preferred for my prognosis. She was supportive of this request. Another sigh of relief.

Protocols

Lupron

I told her Lupron makes me bat shit crazy. (Another fun one.)I asked if there was a way we could avoid the Lupron and instead do an Antagonist protocol. She said she didn't' see anything wrong with that. (This is going way too well!)

I told her I would research more into it just to get more familiar, but its likely that is the way we would go. I believe there is an antagonist protocol that DOES use birth control pills, and one that DOESN'T - but I will have to ask Nurse B more after I Google Fu more.

I've gotten most of my diagnostic procedures done within a year from the Frozen Embryo Transfer, so I don't have to repeat those.

She asked M if we wanted to freeze his sperm this time around, instead of having surgery the day I have surgery for my egg retrieval. It was a bit difficult, both of us being in surgery - so we thought that was a good idea. (We were told this wasn't an option in our last cycle, another point to research). We agreed to really take a couple of vials of sperm to freeze if possible so M wouldn't have to go through that procedure again. We will see how it goes. Funny enough, the doctor who will aspirate the sperm from M's testes is the same doc that performed the failed vasectomy reversal. OOPS! :-p (he's actually highly rated, it was just a long ago vasectomy)

She asked if I wanted to go ahead and get my ultrasound out of the way, and my uterus and I agreed. She's so vain.

My antral follicle count was good and she said she bets she can retrieve more than 10 eggs in this cycle. Maybe 12-15?? It would be so wonderful to have one or more great quality blastocysts by transfer date. One to transfer, one or more to freeze in case the first cycle doesn't work. I'm trying to get it into my head that I will need to do TWO cycles to get pregnant. I know it could happen on the first shot, just like Jonah, but I am really trying not to get too excited. (I think I've said that every blog now?)

I had bone crushing ovulatory pain the other day, which was validated when Dr. K said "Oh! Looks like you ovulated already!" Score 1 for being in tune with your body.

She said my uterus looked great, everything looked great, and she had a great smile. Effen great, great, great. Now gimme my great bebe!! :-)

We shook hands, she left, and we chatted with the nurse. She will draft my official schedule and send it to me, along with a list of the medications she'll be ordering in March. She also ordered my birth control pills now, which I'd likely start in early April. (Why are you taking birth control pills if you're trying to get pregnant?)

April.

As in, the month after March. Which is in 4 days.

WHAT.

We were then shuffled into the financial office which felt a bit too much like sitting in the financial aid office at college. That was squared away and we thanked everyone and left. I felt rejuvenated, energized, confident, excited, ALL OF THAT. Usually I have at least some type of snarky gripe to cover my own insecurities, but today I was left speechless. The new clinic was competent, and most of all, calm. It was calm. The energy there was not one of a Car Baby Sales Man, but one of...maturity.

Next Steps

• Pick up my birth control RX for April
• Call the clinic when I get my period the first week of March
• Come in for my Day 3 testing
• Receive my schedule for April/May
• Go to Hawaii

Btw, this is kinda what it feels like right now.

Just not a natural thing

One thing about IVF is that it's really unnatural. I mean, that seems obvious, but it's more than that.

When it gets down to the IVF milestones (baseline ultrasound, bloodwork, protocol start), I literally know the DAY my life changes. I know the DAY my life goes from being a mother of one child, wife to a great husband, to a woman who is under an intense medicated protocol to create an exaggerated reproductive scene that hopefully ends in a live baby.

All my routines go away. My sitting on the couch and watching TV, my laying in bed nursing Jonah carefree, with my thoughts to something interesting. Once that single pill or shot goes into my body, things change. My perception changes, my body changes, the chemicals in my body changes every single thing I do from how I talk to how I think, to everything....changes.

Once on meds I wonder about breastmilk supply and impact, side effects, the hope of a pregnancy is overwhelming in those moments, everything is so intense and full of LIFE and DEATH and it brings so much thought of mortality and thoughts of where life truly begins.

In some ways, I feel like whining "it's not fair!" but I must say that the journey is a beautiful one, albeit challenging. It is encouraging to see my partner and I hunker down in these tough moments and put any differences to the side. We create a shell around our family and we are soft to one another. We realize that everything I see, hear, think, perceive is a figment of a hormone given to me at significantly multiple the dosage a woman would have normally.

My husband becomes a stone on the outside, soft inside - he is gentle during these stages especially. It feels good.

So being a natural woman myself, going through something so unnatural is.....not a bad thing, but it certainly is a thing.

Hmmmm.

I wonder if you'll be a boy or a girl.

New Doctor

Indeed, we have a new doctor! The new clinic called yesterday and got all of my information and Mark's. We set up an appointment with Dr. K for February 25 @ 9. Here is where we will walk her through who we are, what our goals are and what our next steps will be for our May cycle.

How exciting It feels SO good to be somewhere NEW with NEW faces and a new energy. This is exactly what I needed.

In other news, talking to Jonah about potentially having a baby in the house is hilarious. Granted, it won't be for another year or so, so he'll be an even bigger brother - but yesterday we were pretending to run around and find diapers and wipes for the baby. When I said to Jonah "Oh no What if the baby is crying? What will momma do???"

"Nursies baby."

That's right you sweet boy, nursies the baby.