Thoughts and an update

I could really write this entry in either this blog or Jonah's, I guess I can't expect the two to be separate all the time, eh. I mean, soon they will be siblings!

The past two weeks I have been wrought with thoughts. And not in the poet don't know it way, in the gut wrenching holy shit I'm standing back and watching my life unfold in front of me way.

Not so much because of the upcoming IVF cycle, but because the potential switch from one child to two is significant. Especially when you're as attached as Jonah and I are.

There's been sadness and elation, excitement and worry - there's been fear and courage, all of it has been hitting me the past two weeks. Yet, somewhere inside of me there is a calm voice, a calm spirit knowing this will all work out in the end. That these words will end up in a printed blog that I thumb through five years from now when my children are both running around.

I know intellectually that I will survive no matter the obstacle or experience in front of me.

I know emotionally that I am strong enough to survive what is thrown at me, and know that I have an awesome support system around me should I need help.

But then there's the non-intellectual, non-emotional side. And I don't know what the hell that's called, but it's there.

My FSH came back at 10.5 which is on the high side of normal but comparing my results to 3 years ago, I'd say it's pretty stellar. So no worries there. That was the last of the last folks.

Now it's just about waiting for my period again. And going to Hawaii in two weeks.

Upon my return (and the return of my period!) I shall begin the dreaded birth control pills. Actually, in the FET they weren't that bad, so maybe it will be like that this time around. Nurse Beth also said she could trim down the 20 days of BCPs for me if I'd like. And I'd like.

Stay tuned!

My last natural month

Well, two things arrived. My period, and my IVF schedule. Both mean significant things. Both bring excitement and newness.

So, with my period - I now need to get bloodwork out of the way. I set up an appointment this Friday to get that done (Day 3 testing it's called).

"As part of a basic fertility work-up, your doctor will likely order blood work to check your FSH levels, specifically on day 3 of your menstrual cycle. Sometimes called the Day 3 FSH test, it is a simple blood test meant to measure the amount of FSH in your bloodstream.

FSH, otherwise known as follicle stimulating hormone, is a hormone that tells oocytes, or premature eggs, to begin growing. Each oocyte is contained within a follicle, or little fluid sac. The growth and development of the oocytes is the first part of the process that will, ideally, lead to ovulation."

Then, the doctors create my protocol and order my medication. Then I freak out, shit my pants, and get ready to party.

No, but really.

Here is our schedule + or - a couple of days:

Apr 9 - Start BCP

Apr 26 - Stop BCP

Apr 29 - Start stimulation meds

May 4 - Add antagonist meds

May 10 - Egg Retrieval

May 15 - Day 5 Blastocyst Transfer

If this were the case, my fancy iphone IVF wheel app tells me the following:

Due Date: End of Jan/Beginning of Feb

End of First Trimester: end of July

End of Second Trimester: end of October

So, if that's the case, I'll be my biggest in the coldest of weather and that sounds fanfuckingtastic to me. Big long bulky sweaters and coats and not having to sweat out the four days of unbelievable hotness we have every summer? Sign me up.

In emotional news, I feel a little weepy knowing this is my last unmedicated menstrual cycle. I'm a huge fan of my Womanness and it feels less so when under the control of hormones. In fact it feels quite out of control. So, I shall live up these next 4 weeks or so, and by that I mean taking baths when I want, relaxing when I want, living up my last remaining weeks being solely on loan to Jonah, and try to just appreciate. Which often seems like the biggest challenge in itself.

These cramps feel good, and I think you know what I mean.