Our wiggler

And at last, our wiggler. This is our baby to be, our new family member. We love you and can't wait to meet you, little one.

The End!

Second Ultrasound

I'll eventually get used to the feeling of balancing my love between my children, but I am new at this and treading in inexperienced territory. I want to write without feeling as though I am somehow undermining my relationship with Jonah and instead I want to write freely and without care as I describe my experience today. So I will.

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I saw the most beautiful baby today. I don't think I was expecting to be so bowled over with how beautiful she or he) was (I'll use sex interchangably!). Her legs moved, she now has knees, legs and arms and hands and fingers and oh my god, it was beautiful. Jonah has given me a deeper and better appreciation for what love for a child is, and I am now fortunate enough to have the gift to look at the screen and know what this means. Know what change is coming, what life is going to grace our presence, what challenge and enlightenment it is, so beautiful and scary at the same time. It's fucking amazing, children.

I looked at Mark because I wanted to see his reaction, and I could see the reflection of the ultrasound screen in his eyes and he was just smiling and my heart warmed. There this little being was, fully formed, moving and jumping around and just plain being. This beautiful soul is a part of me, a part of Mark, a part of Jonah and our family. It's all so brilliant and overwhelming. I felt like screaming to the room "Do you see him!!!?? Look at that gorgeous kid! CAN EVERYBODY SEE WHAT WE CREATED??? You docs, you honey, and me - look what we made!" And everyone else seems a casual normal as I sat there, just amazed that this worked, it really, really worked!!! A soul joined us from the other side and here she/he is right in front of me, dancing and wiggling her way into our lives.

Wow.

So, I'm measuring 10 weeks, 3 days, a full week ahead - heart rate was 175, the doc said "ahhh, very brisk very cute baby. This is the fun part for us."

So we're done. Done with the fertility clinic. Done with needles, done with surgeries, done with the infertility hope that is an ache hard to explain.We have a meeting with our homebirth midwife from last birth on the 14th of this month. I can start to move from morning sickness, to planning an entry into this world. Pray to the universe that all goes well and this little one sticks with us to the end.

Thank you to all of my family and friends who have followed me on this journey. You are a very dedicated and loving bunch. You all have lifted me from below when I have mourned, grieved and worried - you have given me strength the entire way. Thank you for sharing this journey with me.

I'll update one last time, and that's with a small movie of our little new wiggling baby. Our brisk baby. Our strong soul that has come home at last.

Whew.